What’s Real? What Is Me?

Every mood has me questioning myself these days since the diagnoses.

Is this emotion an overreaction?

Is it justified?

Is this my mental illness or is this me?

I have seen posts on bipolar groups of others questioning the same thing. It’s nice that someone can relate but there isn’t a real “fix” to this issue. No pill is going to help you differentiate between mental illness and your true Self.

I believe this is where acceptance comes into the scene. I must learn to accept my ill brain, learn how to live on medication, and learn how to navigate life with the only 🧠 I have.

We all must learn how to accept this harsh reality and know the truth. No, we did not choose this and no, it’s not temporary.

I really believe that if we truly accept our whole Self, we can be a beacon for others to see and look up to. I mean if you’re a 💩 person to the ones you love, there’s always a way we can change ourselves, but I’m talking about accepting your truth.

Image URL: http://Comedy and Tragedy by EnKeLi89 on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/enkeli89/art/Comedy-and-Tragedy-492914428

Absolutely Inappropriate

I say the darndest things…


Like: “Hey loser, you done sticking your finger up your butt and ready to work?”
I blamed the military for my potty mouth. A supervisor once told me “you are ugly when you curse” and I understood what he meant. I didn’t care, but I understood.

Becoming a parent changed me a little bit in that aspect that when my child began to understand me more, I had to clean up my mouth. I continue to have an impulse to say some weird stuff, which I thought was normal me, but it is another sign of bipolar often overlooked: Pressured Speech.

Pressure Speech happens when mania is in full swing and you may feel an impulse to tell others your thoughts, even in inappropriate timing or louder than intended.

“In all these cases, pressured speech may present with some or all of the following:

  • rapid speech that does not pause for others to speak
  • disorganized thoughts expressed through words
  • loud speech that is above a normal volume for the situation
  • speaking about numerous ideas at once
  • talking about inappropriate things at work, school, home, or in the community
  • including jokes or particular rhythms in speech
  • speaking with a sense of urgency
  • not being able to speak fast enough to keep up with thoughts” – Medical News Today

It all makes sense to me now why I could never speak like I can write. I stumble over my words, change my mind in the middle of a sentence, and can’t recall words I am seeking to complete my sentences. It’s incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing at times.

But there’s a good side of it, too.

I’m hilarious, for one.

I haven’t been fired for my mouth…yet.

People seem to accept me for the most part.

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/jeanfan/art/Speak-140805326

Article on Pressured Speech: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319186#symptoms

I Can’t Handle Change

I used to make fun of the word “Triggered” and that’s probably why I have been triggered. Karma is the real Santa, she sees everything and brings it right back around with either a pleasant gift or a cruel bag of coal.

Bipolar Disorder comes with triggers like a bad buy one get one free deal. If we do not recognize the signs, it makes it difficult to function through the mood swings and ride the wave.

A trigger for me is moving and guess what my childhood was like?

I moved a lot.

My mom would joke that it takes me at least six months to get used to a new place, yet I moved every year almost. I went to four different high schools, several different middle schools and who knows what else. During my time in the military, I stayed in one spot for five years and back then I remember realizing that it was the first place I had stayed so long.

I am not saying this to talk mess about my parents, they did not know it was a trigger and I did not even know at the time. Nowadays, however, I can see that the six months of depression, confusion, starting over and all around depressive mess was too much for my Bipolar brain to handle. I am happy to be in the spot I will never leave though, that in itself is a huge blessing.

What are your triggers? Are you able to avoid them?

It is important for those with mental illness to identify their individuals triggers, even though it takes experience to do so. If we can see what is causing our spirals and if it is a controllable situation or not, we can harness a new type of control that will only improve with time- our thoughts and feelings.

We can do this, and we can lead positive lives.

Trigger Article:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/recognizing-bipolar-triggers.aspx
Image URL:
https://www.deviantart.com/yuumei/art/Suspire-860024197

A Stigma Worth Fighting

“He started breathing heavy like he was going to make himself hyperventilate.”

I listened to my friend explain a difficult coworker and how they have bad anxiety. All I could think about was the time I hyperventilated while I was in the service, and how they probably talked about me the same way my friend is…making it sound like it was on purpose. I was a little annoyed to be honest, and sad that this kid does not have the support from their job, then paranoid that people talked negatively about my events.

Let’s be real, in America you are considered useless unless you can work. People judge you based on your job performance more so than your personality or life situation. Even though we all go through stuff, companies can’t profit off of those that have mental illness’. I get it, money has to be made, but why do we have to be such assholes about it? What can we do to improve both situations, the job and the person?

Could we end the stigma?

An often politicized stereotype about people with mental illness is that they are violent or dangerous. However, a small minority of people living with mental illness commit violent acts. They are actually 10 times more likely to be victims of a crime, making them a vulnerable population we should be protecting instead of fearing.

So let’s start with fear by educating. Remember those guest speakers in high school and such? We could start there. Start at freshman level and continue every year.

To make change you must inspire change.

Mental illness is a serious issue and people need to know that it’s not ok and that we cannot assume someone was “trying to make himself hyperventilate”.

We are all just trying our best in an unforgiving world.

Image URL: http://Rise Above by cosmicevu on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/cosmicevu/art/Rise-Above-886044928

Article on mental health stigma: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/mental-health-stigma#why-is-mental-health-stigmatized

Narcissistic Love

Have you ever dated a suspected narcissist?

I have. 💩 sucks.

Back in 2015 I had the worst break up of my life. Like PTSD inducing trauma kind of break up. I am not ready to talk about it to the blogging world, but years and years down the road it is a trauma that I have yet to process.

The things that happened shaped me into who I am today, and I hope that it was for a purpose at least. I learn new ways it shaped my brain all of the time, and now that I am diagnosed I can see how my Bipolar came into play as well. It is a dark road I know I am coming to, but I have been taking detours since the event and it has been exhausting.

Narcissism is a large factor in my tale, and I did not realize it then until I went through it. The boy I met was originally charming, funny, exciting and had the best eyes. As soon as he reeled me in, things became ugly as I fought back. I like to think I am an independent person, so someone trying to control me made for tension and lash-backs, and narcissist have a very hard time with that.

While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings.

 WebMD Editorial Contributors

You can identify Narcissist Personality Disorder (Yes, a real disorder!) by their outward behaviour such as:
– Grandiosity. Not just occasionally, but regularly.
– Sense of entitlement
– Manipulative behavior
– Lack of Empathy

NPD is a real disorder, which like mine…means that the person that terrorized me had a genuine problem with their brain, both chemically and emotionlessly. When I read the article posted below, I realized that just like me…he was undiagnosed and suffering too. It does not excuse the behavior, we knew right from wrong, but it sheds light on a problem individuals are facing today and may not even know.

Ugh. That means I need to dive into NPD and get down to his level to come to terms with the event?

Lame.

NPD Article:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/narcissism-symptoms-sign
Image Url:
https://www.deviantart.com/xbliss/art/Manic-and-Depression-1-of-8-45734708

Motor Control

Why can’t I hold on to stuff?

Physically and mentally?

I think the other day I was talking to a coworker and grabbed something, only to drop it. I put it back, grabbed for it again, and knocked it over. It was a weird moment, honestly, but it got me to notice patterns where I am dropping random things all of the time.

I read an interesting website that explained that motor skills and brain chemistry go hand in hand. When the chemistry is off, the skills are upset as well.

Our findings show that approximately 60% of patients with bipolar disorder demonstrate significant impairments in the ability to maintain steady-state force or the ability to scale velocity with distance

The Journal of Neuropsychiatry

And speaking of mentally losing stuff:

My short term memory has been horrible lately. Like forget what I am doing constantly when I am trying to do one simple task. It has been upsetting me lately, but mainly because I feel like I am losing my mind. I am hearing things, seeing things, and feeling things and it’s all so overwhelming.

I attribute this to the dosage going up with Abilify. I spoke with a friend on it similar medication, and they said for the first few months they also experienced short term memory loss. They said it went away though, so here’s to hoping I see a break.

Article on Motor Skills and Bipolar:
https://neuro.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/jnp.2006.18.3.342#:~:text=We%20found%20that%20approximately%2060,both%20forms%20of%20motor%20impairment.

Image URL:
https://www.deviantart.com/beethy/art/anxiety-314402192

Mania

In short, for myself, I am a hard act to follow.

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

She’s still there.

As the abilify builds up in my system, she has appeared. The other night I stayed up until 2 a.m. even though I was tired. I could not get her down until I caved and took my anxiety med. I was irritated that she came back when I was feeling so level before but…lo and behold. I feel it.

Mania is strange. I love the energy, the productivity, and the extra dopamine. Without the racing thoughts it is a plus. So to say mania is an unwelcome guest would be wrong, but she is one of those guests you like to see every once in awhile- not be a bad roommate. The disrupted sleep, constant energy flow and task jumping is exhausting.

Mania is the main indicator of Bipolar and is often not present when an individual might seek help. Bipolar disorder is hard to pinpoint because people often get help only for their depression, like I did. She’s a good actress because manic feels so good and unbeknownst to you- it’s not normal. I lived with this for so long thinking I was just weird, but an average human being.

Nay nay. It turned out to be Bipolar.
Not to mention the poopoo platter of other disorders.

If you experience patterns of behavior such as bouts of depression, quick mood swings, and levels of energy where you seem to “clean your depression mess“, I encourage you to seek a psychiatrist and therapist to properly diagnose you.

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/era7/art/Goddess-of-the-Universe-II-896441132
Bipolar Signs and Symptoms:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

Day 10

To a mind that is still, a whole universe surrenders.

Lao Tzu

Ten days that I have been on my medication now, and those ten days have been interesting. Once I got past the initial shock of having a clear head and sprinkled in some life experience, I have started to notice a few things…

1. Short term memory loss worsened. There was a day that I forgot to close the door after I buckled my kid into the car seat. I left the door wide open and the dogs put in their kennels all day while I worked. It didn’t even register that I forgot it all day until I saw it wide open when I got home. Boy I freaked out, my mind went rampant with paranoi. I searched every nook and cranny for someone hiding, made sure nothing was stolen, and felt anxious every time the dogs barked at the door (when my neighbors stir) or when I heard a creak. It took awhile to calm down. I was actually very lucky that nothing was stolen and no one has shown up uninvited.

2. Irritability. I’m more annoyed or at least aware of what annoys me and snappy.

3. It doesn’t fix everything. I think that’s important to know. It enable me to process and make decisions, but I still suffer from my other diagnosis’.

Everyone experiences medication differently, so please remember that this is my personal experience. Tomorrow the dosage goes up so I am interested to see how that goes as well.

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/qinni/art/Bird-Cage-825652661

Abilify information: Abilify

Impulse Impulse Impulse

Uh Oh 😬

Chapstick – Coin

What is the worst thing you bought on impulse?

For me it was a king size bed, dresser, and night stand 😂 my ex husband said no to one so once I left, I got one 😬 but mannnnnnn…..

This stuff is heavy af 😩 I have had to move it so many times 😤 across Texas and across to another state!

And did I have the money for it? No. I paid a loan on it. With my tax return, I paid it off instead of collections 🙄

As a young adult my impulsive behavior started with promiscuity and spending. I was not used to the attention I received, and I may have gone a bit wild. This led to trauma, guilt, PTSD, and anxiety in the end…

As an adult woman it showed up in just spending. I still spend and don’t follow a budget until I feel like making one, like when I’m in my one of my self improvement kicks. I am blessed to be able to afford what I can and give my kid a decent life.

Bipolar and impulsivity go hand in hand. When we are young we take it as “young and dumb” behavior but in my case, I believe I was bipolar then. My mind would tell me don’t do it girl, but I would do it anyways.

That notion has followed me until this day, even on medication, but I am slowly learning how to manage it but consciously telling myself no. Push that aside.

Focus.

Article on Impulse and Bipolar: https://www.nature.com/articles/npp2013218

Image URL: .366. by polgaroid on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/polgaroid/art/366-35172174

A Bipolar Pregnancy

My pregnancy was fairly easy to be honest. I was undiagnosed, but physically my child was healthy. I think I threw up once because I brushed my teeth wrong but that was it. I was blessed to have an easy time, even if the aftermath wasn’t the best time.

I had an emergency c-section because the baby was in distress. After recovering, I was up visiting baby in the NICU. For six days I got up every three hours to saunter my way to feed my little human. Breastfeeding is a hell of a challenge, and it was not getting his glucose levels up, so I did half and half.

The postpartum depression started almost immediately. Over night my life drastically changed. Even though I knew it was coming, I didn’t fully understand what it meant.

At my moms home we switched caring for baby while the men did their own thing. It wasn’t my ideal situation, but I was happy for the help. I lasted five months before thinking a job would fix me. One job turned into another, and from my previous post you can see how I spiraled.

I was treated for depression with medication and that worked for a time. My signs of PPD were depression, guilt, anxiety, trouble doing tasks, lack of motivation and crying a lot.

During my pregnancy I feel like I was manic. I was in full mom mode, impulse buying furniture and decorations and a sewing machine. However, as soon as baby arrived, I hit my lowest low. It wasn’t my child at all. In fact, I would love to have more one day, but now that I am diagnosed I feel it will be in interesting ride.

I hope one day I can explain it effectively to my child that they understand me and my love for them.

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/naiwe/art/mother-44652005

Signs of PPD: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617