“Hey, is this you?”
My heart raced. They found the pictures and saw me, exposed to the world because one boy decided to exploit me when I broke it off. Please read my post PTSD Inducing (link) to better understand this blog post. Trigger warning, and long post.
Let’s call this kid “Fuckhead”. Fuckhead was upset that I broke his stupid little ego and made it a point to hurt me more, even though he already pulled a gun out during our arguments. To Fuckhead, that was not enough to destroy me.
I had sent nudes to him during my time in Guam while he was still stationed in Japan. For two months I had built a trust with Fuckhead, and believed him to be trustworthy, but that’s how narcissists getcha.
When Fuckhead went back to his home after the ordeal at my place, he quickly got to work. Websites of my nudes popped up everywhere- tumblr, Plenty of Fish (pof), Instagram…who knows what else.
He had gained my password to my Snapchat somehow and posted my pictures to my story…which stays up for 24 hours. My friends, coworkers, and men I denied nudes to for years… saw all of me. I was heart broken, but it did not stop there.
I received threats that he was going to send my pictures to my parents. On POF he invited a bunch of men to my house for a “party” I was not throwing. He threatened suicide, said he had cancer, and had other numbers reach out to me to tell me they were watching me or that he disappeared. It was a mess.
And now, after writing this, I can see how my PTSD began and my trust was destroyed. My mind spiraled and grasped for control, so I reacted by being promiscuous. Which could explain why my trigger is angry men, and why I react with promiscuity. Bipolar affects everyone differently and unfortunately, I did not know I had it at the time.
I felt shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. People took screenshots of me without my permission, and I felt so exposed at my job that was prevalently men. It was a rollercoaster to say the least. The prosecutor I had reached out to said it was my fault for sending the pictures, so they could not help. I felt defeated. So, so defeated.
Please reflect on your own trauma, identify your triggers, and talk to a therapist. We can heal from our events with time and patience.
Thank you for reading my story, please feel free to reach out to me with your own if you ever need a person to talk to.
Also, don’t be a Fuckhead.