PTSD Inducing Part 2

“Hey, is this you?”

My heart raced. They found the pictures and saw me, exposed to the world because one boy decided to exploit me when I broke it off. Please read my post PTSD Inducing (link) to better understand this blog post. Trigger warning, and long post.

Let’s call this kid “Fuckhead”. Fuckhead was upset that I broke his stupid little ego and made it a point to hurt me more, even though he already pulled a gun out during our arguments. To Fuckhead, that was not enough to destroy me.

I had sent nudes to him during my time in Guam while he was still stationed in Japan. For two months I had built a trust with Fuckhead, and believed him to be trustworthy, but that’s how narcissists getcha.

When Fuckhead went back to his home after the ordeal at my place, he quickly got to work. Websites of my nudes popped up everywhere- tumblr, Plenty of Fish (pof), Instagram…who knows what else.

He had gained my password to my Snapchat somehow and posted my pictures to my story…which stays up for 24 hours. My friends, coworkers, and men I denied nudes to for years… saw all of me. I was heart broken, but it did not stop there.

I received threats that he was going to send my pictures to my parents. On POF he invited a bunch of men to my house for a “party” I was not throwing. He threatened suicide, said he had cancer, and had other numbers reach out to me to tell me they were watching me or that he disappeared. It was a mess.

And now, after writing this, I can see how my PTSD began and my trust was destroyed. My mind spiraled and grasped for control, so I reacted by being promiscuous. Which could explain why my trigger is angry men, and why I react with promiscuity. Bipolar affects everyone differently and unfortunately, I did not know I had it at the time.

I felt shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. People took screenshots of me without my permission, and I felt so exposed at my job that was prevalently men. It was a rollercoaster to say the least. The prosecutor I had reached out to said it was my fault for sending the pictures, so they could not help. I felt defeated. So, so defeated.

Please reflect on your own trauma, identify your triggers, and talk to a therapist. We can heal from our events with time and patience.

Thank you for reading my story, please feel free to reach out to me with your own if you ever need a person to talk to.

Also, don’t be a Fuckhead.

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/escume/art/The-Sirens-Last-Song-776420367

What’s To Blame

The bipolar mind is fascinating. It literally is two: one good and one bad. Comedy and tragedy.

Crazy how I got a comedy and tragedy tattoo in my twenties but found out I was bipolar at 30.

Anyways

I read this article today, https://pronghornpsych.com/how-does-bipolar-disorder-affect-the-brain/

The interesting takeaway I caught was that less grey matter than normal levels in the brain leads to impulsive, sometimes careless or thoughtless actions. Like the person could care less.

But is it not still…me? Like…I am still the one making the decisions…right? It’s really confusing because you can’t just blame the grey matter, you still have to take responsibility for your actions. So how do you control the impulses?

I think, for 2022, my goal will be to learn Impulse control. The VA offers impulse therapy so I’m checking that out. If you have read about impulse control, let me know in the comments! I don’t want to make these crazy decisions anymore.

Image URL: http://Glimmer of light by KlarEm on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/klarem/art/Glimmer-of-light-808997372

Up In Cheyenne Mountain

I need to hike soon.


If you haven’t, and you are able, I highly recommend. It’s a nice reminder that your problems are small and suddenly you aren’t so upset anymore.

Up in Cheyenne Mountain I have hiked a lot. My birthday hike, my sunrise hike, and my sunset hike. The city below sparkles with activity but it’s oh, so quiet. Your mind can relax. You can relax.

Chessman Canyon with my dog Ronan

I need to hike soon.

Misunderstood Mom

It was a long night.

My son could not sleep, which meant I didn’t sleep, and the morning came a little too quickly for me. It’s not that much of a bother, it’s what I’m here for as a mother, but my mind spun with anger at others from my past this morning.

Why am I judged for being late when I am the one doing this alone? Does no one realize what it means to be a single mom? Why do people assume I come from a negative space and want to be late? Why was I fired for that one time? Am I really alone? Dude I was so frustrated for no reason.

All of it was irrelevant since I got to work on time, but that’s how my head works. I hold on until I am ready to let go. I guess I feel overwhelmed to do it alone, and sad that my choices led to this for myself. I have a wonderful child but damn it’s hard to be a single mom and people do not seem to be willing to see me. I’m trying.

Life in America for single mothers is 99% harsh, and it’s a sad reality. For example, I do not qualify for state help because of what I make yet I am barely keeping my head above water, don’t even ask about my savings. 😩 I am in that salty ass middle ground where I can’t get much help. The land and homes here in this area are so expensive that it makes me feel like my homestead in the mountains is a pipe dream.

I am thankful for what I do have though, please don’t read it as I am not blessed. Even though it sucks at the moment, I know things will get better with time and patience. I guess I just feel alone sometimes and misunderstood. Perhaps the lack of sleep has me flustered.

If you know a single mom, no matter her circumstance, give that woman a bigass hug. She is doing the best she can with what she has. ♥️


Image URL:
https://www.facebook.com/chiarabautistaartwork/

I Am Enough

Bipolar Relationships

And if love keeps giving me lemons, I just mix them in my drink…”

Bluebird by Miranda Lambart

Are you bipolar and find relationships difficult? Growing up I thought that it was mainly me messing up…and now I’m realizing that it was both of us.

I don’t know how to make anything last longer than three years. I always find myself impulsively breaking up with someone, only to regret it later like I didn’t give it a real shot. Or I’ll pick the completely wrong person but think they are the “one”.

And it’s discouraging to be honest. People can make marriages last but I run at the first sign of trouble like a race horse. I shut down my heart, become ice cold, and pull the rug out from under them. I’ll move in one month and move out the next over a spat.

I wonder if anyone will ever be able to handle my moods, and what kind of person they have to be in order to do so. I wonder if I’ll ever find the person that is meant for me, or find a way to be alone.

I have to remind myself more than I care to admit that I am enough for the right person. Just like I am enough for my support system, I am also the mate to another soul.

College Is Not For Me

I wish there was a relief for students with mental health. Like prove that you are diagnosed and show the school and bam all of the failures are knocked off your GPA.

You know what they say about wishes…wish in one hand and 💩 in the other see which one fills up faster.

I have tried and tried and tried with college yet I have failed repeatedly over the years. I have nothing to show from my time in the military except one deployment and some training. My plan out of high school was to get my masters in the military and then get out and grab that PhD. Becoming pregnant made me rethink the plan entirely. I really didn’t want to serve and leave my baby. And I really really didn’t want to raise my child away from its family.

So anyways here I am now with no degree and a child to feed and nourish and I ended up leaving all of my family anyways. Crazy how life works.

My choices led me to where I am though, good and bad, so I guess I can spend the next twenty years making better choices. On medication I have been able to complete my school work for my Bachelors in Psychology, so I am hoping this time I can get it done with the help of a little blue pill.


Image URL:

http://Again and Again by ShootingStarLogBook on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/shootingstarlogbook/art/Again-and-Again-906220954

PTSD Inducing

This is a trauma post so…trigger warning. Guns, domestic violence, and narcissism…

My understanding of PTSD was a slow process. I always thought it was an extreme, like can’t-go-out-in-public type of disability. Nightmares of trauma are common, so it’s what we hear about the most as a symptom, but I did not have very many nightmares about the event. For some people it truly is intense, but I never thought I would have it. I thought I was “normal”…whatever that is.

Without medication, PTSD showed up in small ways for me. For example, due to trauma my heart beats faster around guns, my mind is on high alert, and my brain did not discriminate on who was handling the gun. It could have been an expert, but my traumatized head does not recognize the difference.


Back in 2015 I met a guy. Cute, gorgeous eyes, and black hair. He made me laugh and feel special. For two months we talked- he was in Japan and I was not. I began to trust him, even thought I could love him. When he came to the states I welcomed him into my home with open arms…inviting the devil to join my space and my heart.

He took all of that and crumpled it like paper.

Pretty soon he started showing 🚩🚩🚩 with his accusations, questioning, and paranoia. He was convinced I was unfaithful and would accuse me every day of cheating until one day we got into an intense argument about it. When the fight got heated, he pulled out his pistol and placed the muzzle to the left side of his head.

“Is this what you want?!” He screeched. We were in my bedroom, I on the bed and him in front of me standing there threateningly. My mind immediately disassociated to “how hard is it to clean blood and brain matter? Do I have to say someone died here when I sell the house…if I survive?”

It was a strange moment to think I might be shot, maybe killed that day, and all I can think of is blood everywhere.

I got him to calm down somehow- I could not tell you how. I remember lowering my voice to a soothing tone but that’s it, who knows what words I used to not die that day. When I felt safe enough to, I told him he needed to go home…I was not about to work out a relationship with this boy. He told me his mom could not pick him up (she was in a different state) and he told her not to come, I found out later.

A few weeks go by as I waited for her. I kept the peace as best as I could, thinking she was going to come and take my problem away. When he asked if we were going to work the relationship out, I bluntly replied, “No, I’m just waiting for your mom to get here.”

A second time, the gun was grabbed. This time he placed it into his mouth. I did not know if there were bullets in it but my rage did not care. I called him out on his bluff, told him to do it outside if he was serious. I guess my anger caught him off guard because he took it out and headed towards my backyard. I followed, adding that he better do it across the street and away from my home. I threatened to call the cops, made my mom send her boyfriend over in order to mediate the situation. It worked.

The end result was his mom came to my rescue and took him back to her home. The story does not stop there sadly, but that is for another time.

My trauma is not as bad as other individuals unfortunately experience, but I lived through it and learned from it. The result of the incident was PTSD. According to Mayo Clinic, PTSD is described as “a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.” This means that no matter the event, it may affect us all in a different way.

To this day I fear him and I cannot forgive him for putting me into that situation. I tried to monitor him through social media (I guess to make sure he was not in my area), but have lost him the last few years. I felt guilty for a long time that I was dumb enough to bring this person into my life and open up to them, when in reality I could not have predicted the events that unfolded.

Everyone experiences trauma and PTSD in their own way. This is a part of my story. I believe that through sharing our experiences, we may be able to help someone in ways we do not understand.

Signs and symptoms of PTSD:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
Image URL:
https://www.deviantart.com/carts/art/Dark-Thoughts-608840940

What’s Real? What Is Me?

Every mood has me questioning myself these days since the diagnoses.


Is this emotion an overreaction?

Is it justified?

Is this my mental illness or is this me?


I have seen posts on bipolar groups of others questioning the same thing. It’s nice that someone can relate but there isn’t a real “fix” to this issue. No pill is going to help you differentiate between mental illness and your true Self.

I believe this is where acceptance comes into the scene. I must learn to accept my ill brain, learn how to live on medication, and learn how to navigate life with the only 🧠 I have.

We all must learn how to accept this harsh reality and know the truth. No, we did not choose this and no, it’s not temporary.

I really believe that if we truly accept our whole Self, we can be a beacon for others to see and look up to. I mean if you’re a 💩 person to the ones you love, there’s always a way we can change ourselves, but I’m talking about accepting your truth.


Image URL: http://Comedy and Tragedy by EnKeLi89 on DeviantArt https://www.deviantart.com/enkeli89/art/Comedy-and-Tragedy-492914428

Absolutely Inappropriate

I say the darndest things…


Like: “Hey loser, you done sticking your finger up your butt and ready to work?”
I blamed the military for my potty mouth. A supervisor once told me “you are ugly when you curse” and I understood what he meant. I didn’t care, but I understood.

Becoming a parent changed me a little bit in that aspect that when my child began to understand me more, I had to clean up my mouth. I continue to have an impulse to say some weird stuff, which I thought was normal me, but it is another sign of bipolar often overlooked: Pressured Speech.

Pressure Speech happens when mania is in full swing and you may feel an impulse to tell others your thoughts, even in inappropriate timing or louder than intended.

“In all these cases, pressured speech may present with some or all of the following:

  • rapid speech that does not pause for others to speak
  • disorganized thoughts expressed through words
  • loud speech that is above a normal volume for the situation
  • speaking about numerous ideas at once
  • talking about inappropriate things at work, school, home, or in the community
  • including jokes or particular rhythms in speech
  • speaking with a sense of urgency
  • not being able to speak fast enough to keep up with thoughts” – Medical News Today

It all makes sense to me now why I could never speak like I can write. I stumble over my words, change my mind in the middle of a sentence, and can’t recall words I am seeking to complete my sentences. It’s incredibly frustrating, and embarrassing at times.

But there’s a good side of it, too.

I’m hilarious, for one.

I haven’t been fired for my mouth…yet.

People seem to accept me for the most part.


Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/jeanfan/art/Speak-140805326

Article on Pressured Speech: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319186#symptoms

I Can’t Handle Change

I used to make fun of the word “Triggered” and that’s probably why I have been triggered. Karma is the real Santa, she sees everything and brings it right back around with either a pleasant gift or a cruel bag of coal.

Bipolar Disorder comes with triggers like a bad buy one get one free deal. If we do not recognize the signs, it makes it difficult to function through the mood swings and ride the wave.

A trigger for me is moving and guess what my childhood was like?

I moved a lot.

My mom would joke that it takes me at least six months to get used to a new place, yet I moved every year almost. I went to four different high schools, several different middle schools and who knows what else. During my time in the military, I stayed in one spot for five years and back then I remember realizing that it was the first place I had stayed so long.

I am not saying this to talk mess about my parents, they did not know it was a trigger and I did not even know at the time. Nowadays, however, I can see that the six months of depression, confusion, starting over and all around depressive mess was too much for my Bipolar brain to handle. I am happy to be in the spot I will never leave though, that in itself is a huge blessing.

What are your triggers? Are you able to avoid them?

It is important for those with mental illness to identify their individuals triggers, even though it takes experience to do so. If we can see what is causing our spirals and if it is a controllable situation or not, we can harness a new type of control that will only improve with time- our thoughts and feelings.

We can do this, and we can lead positive lives.


Trigger Article:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/recognizing-bipolar-triggers.aspx
Image URL:
https://www.deviantart.com/yuumei/art/Suspire-860024197