Inner Time Consciousness

Part 1

Time, the healer and the killer

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I am notorious at being late, no lie. I have not pinpointed the exact cause as to why I suck at this but it has wreaked havoc on my life.

I have been fired, written up, scolded and slandered just like any other perpetually late person. What no one really cared to know was that I strongly dislike being late to everything. Anxiety turns to guilt, guilt turns to negative thoughts, and I cannot find a “valid” enough excuse to justify the behavior. Mental illness in a work driven society is not a good enough excuse, nor is it commonly recognized. Companies are built on production of their service…and if you get in the way, they will move you aside.

I get it, I really do. You can’t rely on folks that are constantly late or calling out. If you cannot rely on your team members, why keep them around?

My current job has been amazing to me and very understanding, especially when I am honest about my issues, but everyone has their limits and I don’t want to abuse their trust. Most people I have talked to about my problem say “Well just do it! Get your a** moving!” And I wish I had a real, understandable answer.

Well I wished until today.

Apparently there is a problem with perception of time in Bipolar patients. Who coulda thunk it 😬😩

According to the article Too Fast or Too Slow? Time and Neuronal Variability in Bipolar Disorder—A Combined Theoretical and Empirical Investigation, time is seen differently according to the mood a person with bipolar disorder might be feeling.

Manic/Hypomanic – Time moves fast.

Depression- Time moves slow.

Basically, when I am depressed, time moves slow for me. It will seem like the day is taking forever, and I just want to go home and curl into a blanket. I drag A** non stop without even realizing I am. On the other hand, when I am feeling up, I can get up at 4 am easy and I loooove it. I can take my time, read the news and weather with coffee, listen to music. I can workout and eat right. It all comes in phases and every day is a different feeling.

Time slipping away from me would be the top song name of my album. I lose time when I’m simply in the shower. I often wonder how long I’m lost in my thoughts before I snap to and continue what I was doing. I put a little clock in the shower to try to keep me aligned but more often it shocks me how long it took. Everything I have to do by myself seems so overwhelming on the down days and I have a hard time focusing on the task. On the good days, I can do everything I set out to do.

All I can do is try the best I can.
I encourage leaders to recognize general signs such as mood swings, late or slipping attendance, and an inability to focus as signs of mental health issues that can be addressed and conversed. Give a crap about your people, pull them aside, and offer your support.

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