…what I know now…
That little girl would not have been put into the situations she was, or made the choices she did.
A common indication of Bipolar one and Bipolar two is hypersexuality, and now that I am diagnosed, I have been thinking a lot about past choices relating to this that caused even more grief and trauma. A reason I started this blog was to reach out to the younger generation and show them common signs of mental illness, in the hopes that they can identify their own sooner than age 30…like me.
I feel like I am behind on life because only now am I seeing that the signs were all there as early as puberty. If my family and friends had known, I truly think they would have gotten me help sooner or would have let me know that I needed to get checked out. Honestly though…I doubt any of us knew.
We were all so busy trying to survive.
I made some pretty bad choices in the name of “you only live once”, not realizing that I was seeking the wrong validations from everyone else- never my own. I was such a people pleaser all of the time because I could not be alone with myself, which resulted in me sharing my body and energy with people that did not value it, or me no less. I just wanted that positive attention no matter who it was or how I got it, and I needed to feel good constantly so that the negative did not have a chance to creep in and suck me down into depression.
I am not sure what exactly would have had to of change for me to see that my behavior was detrimental to my psych and environment. I fantasized for a long time that it was my parents fault for not speaking to me with body positivity or self love techniques. If I were honest with myself, though…I see now how they were doing the best they could with what they were given. Mental health was not the focus in my circle. Becoming a parent puts things in perspective.
I would love to educate others on mental illness life from a young age and what all entails with it, but in a safe and open setting. I feel it is important for others to see the signs in order to identify their own thought process. The two biggest contributors to my experiences:
Dark depression with suicidal ideation – Hypersexuality – Promiscuity – Debt – Alcohol Abuse – Impulsivity – Hypomania/Mania (therapy will determine)
Running thoughts – Panic Attacks – Irritability – Intrusive thoughts
This was all in my first ten years after high school! By making mental health prioritized and unstigmatized, I believe education would be beneficial to younger generations and show that hey- we are all f***ed up in our own ways. There are so many resources available out there that could really, truly help each other…it is important.