The other day I was up, and yesterday I could feel myself spiral down. It was a weird feeling to notice it now that I am getting increasingly better at identifying the shifts. The more I learn, the more I am recognizing signals and triggers. It’s kind of scary, kind of intriguing, but overall it’s shit.
People don’t always understand my choices and that’s ok (I don’t either 🙄). We all walk our path differently of course. Sometimes comments like “Why don’t you do this? Or this? Or this?” will wear me down because I don’t have an excuse that will satisfy the question effectively, and they do not understand that I want to do those things but my 🧠 has other plans.
I will often think, “No 💩, you think I choose this?” It feels like everyone assumes I want this lifestyle, or I’m doing it on purpose, or that solutions to my problems are black and white. It’s aggravating to think people are judging me for things I don’t even want. But I am the one that has to sit here and spiral down from the comment as well as feel like I am disappointing the commenter.
I cannot assume people will research the disorders or that they even care to understand it. That’s ok, too. No one is required to get it and walk on egg shells around me.
It is what it is, I guess.
Writing helps though, once I release my thoughts, they start to unravel and lose the feeling attached to it. I have also received support from friends and family following my diagnosis, and I sincerely appreciate them reaching out.
My personal responsibilities, feelings, and confusion feel like a huge weight of garbage on my shoulders…but my support system is right there beside me, grabbing the trash and slowly but surely throwing it aside to lighten my load.
I just hope that they see that I am trying.