Sometimes I wonder if Bipolar Disorder is a disconnect between your conscious and your subconscious.
Like….there are literally two trains of thought in that dome. One tells me the good, and the other tells me the bad. My brain is a comedy and tragedy mask, both fighting for the spotlight.
By good I mean all of the positivity that side spews forth. “You’re doing the best you can. You have a great support system. You are fine, just breathe and keep going.”
By bad, I mean all of the negative shouts trying to come forward and drown out the positive. The thoughts range from how much I suck at life, to suicide ideation, to body dysmorphia, etc. It’s like there is SO much tragedy, that my mind rarely gets looped into the comedy side. It’s so sapping of energy that I end up depressed, and everything that entails with that ominous deep, black hole.
This all mainly happens when I am home. In professional or social settings, my comedy side flourishes for the most part. I am sociable, funny, smiling, friendly, and easy to talk to. I can win awards and impress the top tier, or put my feelings aside to get the work done as efficiently as anyone else. Work is my best distraction, and I love it.
Home is when I become my true Self and lay down the front.
I can be me with no judgement from others, but I am my worst critic as well. So a fight constantly ensues between the side I enjoy, and the side that tells me this is how you really are.
I want balance between these two. I need balance if I am going to become who I ultimately want to be (a functioning adult). A book I read in High School has been coming to my mind today, The Power of your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy. I think today I will download the audio and put it on since I never finished reading it. I remember it really opening up my mind though to the understanding of our subconscious and inspiring me to pursue that with Neuropsychology. Ten plus years later, I have not completed my goal of a degree in Neuropsychology, but maybe opening that book open again can bring me out of my funk.
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