Somewhere In-between

I am feeling myself slipping

Down

Down

Down…

…Into the depression mess I have been so thankful to avoid. I feel like I got a lot done with this last boost of energy, like cleaned the house and tied up loose ends. I even made positive decisions this time, instead of following my impulses like overspending for Christmas or touch my small savings just to get what I want.

But the past few days I have been feeling so…mixed?

I have energy to complete tasks- I did some homework (full time student), cleaned the house, etc.

But at the same time, I’m feeling down. Ugly. Hopeless. Guilty. I couldn’t make myself shower or get out of the house. I had gotten tickets for my kid and I to see Spider-Man and at the last second, I canceled. I had plans to get my child a haircut and go shopping for some presents…and I could not get myself out the door.

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This in between state is a blessing and a curse, I can get some goals completed, and some I can’t. I guess it’s all about the mental battle that comes with the task, and that’s hard for me to explain. I hear a lot of “if you set your mind to it, you can do it.” Or “why can’t you? It’s simple.” And they are right, so I cannot excuse my way out of the logic. I also find it hard to explain why I just don’t do the things I need to do, even though I know I need to do them.

I can only explain that some days I can, and some days I cannot. I won’t know until I wake up.

If you would like more information on mixed states in Bipolar patients, check this article out:

https://www.verywellmind.com/bipolar-disorder-mixed-features-380387

And if you can relate, let me know what it’s like for you in the comments section below!