A Foundation To Stand On

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.

David Brinkley
Until I Come Home – two feet, grandson

I remember sitting on the couch in a little apartment in Texas, debating on what to do. I had ran out of my antidepressant weeks ago but I thought the longer I went detoxing it out of my system, the better off I would be. I had recently left my husband so I was there alone with my walking baby, low into depression. I called the VA but it was going to take a month to get an appointment. I did not feel like I could last for that long to be honest, so I hung up the phone discouraged.

My ignorance was detrimental to this time period of my life, and it is easily the worst thing I have been through.

I could have gotten a refill with the nurse. I could have made that appointment. There’s a ton of things I could have done but did not do because I was so damn depressed and anxious, it took all of my energy just to meet my kids basic needs. He entertains himself a lot but I feel guilty that it was my depression that taught him how to play on his own.

Because of my decisions, my life spiraled out of control. I left my husband and moved into my moms, then the apartment. I was fired from the hospital I worked at for being three minutes late, so I had to use my rental income for my apartment. I had failed school so I gave up and lost my housing allowance. My home was foreclosed and I had a horribly hard time telling the tenets they had to leave. The guilt I feel for that is immense to this day. All while trying to be an okay single mom. We were evicted from the apartment so I went back to my moms. I finally found a job, but I was bullied by an employee and could not afford a place on the income.

I struggled hard for the last four years, freaking hard. It wasn’t until I saw a post on Facebook with someone I had worked with asking who would relocate and I said pick me. I got to the state I am at now, which is where I have always wanted to be, spent two months finding a place that ended up being the ghetto because credit is wack, and figured out who truly has my back in this life that I finally felt like I was on stable foundation.

Finally, I could tiptoe away from survival mode. I could figure out what it means to be Rhiannon again. There was a real change on my 30th birthday that got me wanting to accept myself and be who I am, fully and completely.

I encourage everyone to ask themselves these questions:

Who has my back? As in- Identify your support system.

Is my foundation stable?

Am I ready to process my trauma?

I truly believe that it is a blessing to be where I am and I am very thankful that I had a stable foundation to stand on, which led me to processing my trauma and identifying a problem with my mental illness. I finally saw the reality of it, which led to a psychiatrist and that led to meds. I feel pretty good on these so far. Everyone has different experiences but all I’m saying is…

We gotta deal with our 💩 if we want to be who we want to be 😩

Image URL: https://www.deviantart.com/kelogsloops/art/Breathe-620359967

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